Funny Friday - The Future of Nursery Rhymes
Nov 16th, 2007 by Martin
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.
Oh shit, it’s Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties..
He can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
’twas split right up the front
…But she didn’t wear that one often.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
“What have u got there?”
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it’s black and crispy.
you think your good!!!
One, Two,
Went to the loo !
Three, Four,
Forgot to latch the door!!
Five, Six,
Jane up to her tricks !
Seven, Eight,
Barged in Straight !!
Nine, Ten,
Time for Confession !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,
Now that you have won the Os-car,
Soon now, you’ll be rolling in cash,
Forgetting when you didn’t twinkle, but Flash!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ding Dong Bell
Pussy’s gone thru hell
Who took her there?
T’was the Tommy pair !
T’was them, without a doubt
As they kept putting it in and out
and pretty much had their way…
Till they were caught…. by the S.P.C.A !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hickory Dickory D*ck
The mouse was desperate for a f*ck
But his fear of pussy
made the whole affair messy
So it hickory dickoried the d*ck !
Mary had a little lamb,
The news made every front page,
With pictures of her being taken to jail,
Cause you see, he was under age.
~ Gunjan
~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb,
The Midwife died of Shock !
~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb,
You’ve heard this tale before
But did you know she passed her plate
and had a little more!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb
Whose fleece was black as soot
And into Mary’s little lap
His sooty foot he put!
(Thanks Charlie)
Charlie, we mustn’t stop here
The rest of the tale must be tol’
Astronomers gather each year
To Study Mary’s Black Hole!
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Eyed the girls and had a ball,
Lots of whistles, even a catcall,
Thus… Humpty had a great fall !
Then came the cold winter breeze
and Humpty’s arse began to freeze…!
though winter’s sure to be a dreary thing…
Let’s wish Humpty a bouncy spring !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack be Nimble
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack now show us another trick
Do it again Jack with a lighted wick.
Jack you’re jumpy since you were born,
And as Jumping Jack you are known,
But Jack this little cliche never scorn…
“Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack-n-Jill
Jack and Jill were over the hill
yet managed to have some fun
Jack still had some power in his drill…
Any suggestions to name their young one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Bo Peep
is in trouble deep
Peeping was lots of fun
till he saw this Godiva woman
Now he’s lost his sleep.
Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, Where Have you been?
I have been to London, to see the queen !
Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, What did you do there?
I teamed up with a papparazi… so I saw her bare !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Trying to concentrate…
But Little Jill Malone wouldn’t leave him alone
as she wanted to fornicate!
How can Jack study, with such a naughty buddy
His marks are getting podgy
Except, as you guessed, he’s at his best
When they’re studying biology!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Heaven knows what that is!
Me like a fool, thought it was a stool
Don’t know on what basis !!
A look in the dictionary, gives this commentary
Its a tuft, a tussock or mound !
while again I look, for those in the book
Muffet, with curds stuffed, gets round !!
Lots of daddies for me to fleece;
Some from US and some from Greece
All handpicked from Fortune’s list,
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly?
Oh, so loverly sittin’ abso-bloomin’-lutely still!
Not having to work and living of will.
Hal a dozen people I call Dadee;
As far from me as they can be,
Green branches making up my family tree;
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly.
All I want is another dad somewhere;
Making dollars for me n losing hair.
Sending monthly cheques for my welfare;
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly?
~ Gunjan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dad as a liars club champ
told the tale of the fish and the lamp:
he lied like a trooper
’bout that giant grouper:
and the light still lit though somewhat damp.
Of all of his traits that I savor
that passed to me, giving a flavor
of wickedness to me,
that he did imbue (me),
I cherish my truth-speaking waiver.
I know that he liked me the best
un-veracity keeps me un-stressed;
for telling a lie
comes as easy as pie,
no conscience, quick tongue, I am blest..
Thanks, pop! your legacy still thrives,
and I give my kids daily high-fives;
for their glib lie-ability,
mendacious facility,
that from grandpa (and momma) derives.
~ Lane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Such gifts! A new lawnmower, see?
Tht only spells more work for me!”
Now, that type of present
Won’t make his day pleasant.
And cost? It’s a catastroh-fee.
~ Cynthia MacGregor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a joke, a friend to Saddam emails,
“Your son, I fear, in his exam fails,”
After thrashing is done,
The poor battered son,
warns all friends - “Dad’s mean! Tell no tales!”
~ Gunjan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It now seems like twas so far away,
When I had my own first fathers day,
Now my daughters 16,
Dates a boy who’s hairs green,
It’s no wonder that mine’s turning grey.
~ Bradley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His daughter told Harold, “Don’t bother,
To color your hair. I would rather
Just see it go gray
As a test, if I may!
To me, you’re the world’s gray test father!
~ Clynch Varnadore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It really has not been so bad
To fulfill my role as a dad
For my father taught me
What his poppa taught he
A long line of teachers we’ve had
~ Gary Hallock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that your kids are all grown
They’ve become dad’s on their own
After worrisome stages
Of living with teenagers
They say, “Dad if I’d only known!”
~ Ken Pinkham
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jinnah - the Father of Pakistan,
Was an exceptionally grumpy man,
Now all his progeny,
Can’t stand anything funny,
No wonder this limerick is deadpan!
~ Gunjan
O Teacher! My Teacher…
(With apologies to Walt Whitman)
O Teacher! My teacher! The awful exam draws near;
And with every passing day, I feel my rising fear;
My text books all feel heavier,
My notes make less and less sense.
But O heart! heart! heart!
O wavering nervous system reset,
When in the class my Teacher says,
There’s hope for me, yet.
O Teacher! my Teacher! rise up and look at the board;
Rise up-cause believe it or not-you have a passing hoard;
A dozen or so distinctions-a majority of first classes too;
For you they call, this happy mass, their eager faces turning;
Hear Teacher! Dear Teacher!
You really pulled us through;
It is some dream that by next month,
I’ll be in college too.
My Teacher does not answer, his breath rhythmic but light;
My Teacher does not hear my call, wonder if he’s all right;
Our future is anchor’d safe and sound, our books closed and done;
From their ordeal, this bunch with zeal, comes in with object won;
Exult, O friends, and ring, O bells!
But I, with concern deep,
Pace outside the class my Teacher lies,
Fallen exhausted and asleep.
~ Gunjan
Teacher’s Pet’s Pet Teacher…
I’m thankful to all my Teachers,
They’ve taught me many wonderful things;
They’ve given me the basics so I can fly
To my imagination they’ve given wings.
They taught me with Mathematics,
Numbers can be much fun,
Starting from adding two and two
Many Algebraic battles I have won.
While teaching me about Science,
they told me of the speed of light,
and the colours that is contains
though it may appear white.
The above lesson also helped with,
My colourful learning of Art,
So I could put to paper,
The hues that filled my heart.
The teaching of History though
enthusiastically I did not greet,
But lessons it’s always had for me
and great mistakes that I won’t repeat.
The teaching of Language has,
To write poems given me the ability,
To play with words, and pun a bit,
Show off my mental agility.
I could go on about every subject
in just a similar vein,
but then this effort of mine,
might just become a pain.
So in the interest of brevity,
which they taught me is the soul of wit,
I’d like to thank all my Teachers
for having my knowledge lamp lit.
But a special word of thanks to Mr. G,
for the lesson that has taken me many a mile,
You my friend, philosopher and guide,
You taught me always to smile!
~ Gunjan
Here’s Yoko’s version of an old Beatles number -
Oh Yeah I’ll … tell you something…
Bet you won’t understand…
When I say… I really mean it…
I’m tired of holding your hands…
Sick of holding your hands !!
Just because … I’ve said to you…
I’ll let you be my man…
Doesn’t imply… You can do…
as you please with your hands…
Sick of holding your hands !!
When you touch me… just feel happy
Don’t shove it inside………
Its such a feeling that my love…
I can’t hide… I can’t hide…. aaargh!!
So please… if you’re not…
careful with your hands….
I’ll have to… chop them off…
and have them canned….!!
[Refrain (pardon the pun)]
If I were the Lord of Tartary
(in the 21st Century)
If I were the Lord of Tartary,
Myself and Me alone,
Myself would rule the country,
Me would go for a clone.
How easy to pass legislation,
okayed by Me and Me two,
the idea staggers imagination,
A dictatorship, that’s democracy too ?
The Black Log Inn
Have you heard of the Black Log Inn,
The haven of pleasure, the den of sin;
Hidden deep in the heart of Africa’s jungle,
It’s hard to find, the route easy to bungle…
If like me you get confused, lost or waylaid
Do not my friend make the mistake I made
This huge black guy, I saw, his lass f***in’
and asked him how far is the Black Log Inn !!
Shaken, beaten, all black and blue
I bring this not so punny tale to you.
Long Nights
Here’s a little tale I heard, don’t know if it’s true or fable
It’s about King Arthur and the Knights of his Round Table.
It seems ol Arthur dear, began to have his doubts
On his absences, of Guenivere’s doings and her whereabouts.
He felt some knights were being more gallant than was right
and were using their ‘lances’ for reasons other than to fight.
So before his next outing, the offenders he decided to catch.
With this in mind, he shoved a blade, up Guenivere’s sn****
He toured hard, traveled wide, many battles did he win
Till at last, exhausted, it was time to head back home agin.
Back at home, he lost no time, to get all his knights together
and said “Drop your Pants”, no pleasantries, no talk of the weather.
He couldn’t believe his eyes, as he inspected every drooping d***
Save for Sir Gallahad’s, every stinking pecker had an ugly nick.
King Arthur was mad with rage, every knight he wanted lashed
Till his gaze fell on Sir Gallahad, and only then a smile flashed.
“Gallahad, my only true friend, only you have passed the test
Ask whatever you want of me, What should I thee bequest?”
“Anything! If you my kingdom ask, my answer will be yes!”
But what could Sir Gallahad ask, the ol’ sod was speechless!
The Stinking Contest
Anyone heard about this stinking contest?
No it wasn’t about who farts best.
The stinkiest skunk in the world was caught
And old ‘Stinky’ was to London brought.
The poor thing was put in a room in Big Ben,
And a challenge thrown open to all men.
Anyone who could stand for an hour Stinky’s stink
Would win a free supply to a whole year’s drink.
The first contenders with stiff upper lips
were outa there in moments with nasty quips,
Their cousins from across remarked - “Mon Dieu,
Of anyone winning this contest there is no fear.”
I could tell you about every failed contestant
But I’d be rambling on for days on end
So let’s just skip on to the final bloke
Who happens to be the ‘hero’ of our joke.
In grand style arrived this big chap … a BLANK
I could tell you his race if I wanted to be frank
But just to give this joke a global factor
You fill the blank with your favorite racial character.
So into the room which like Hell stank
Walked in comfortably our dear BLANK.
Twenty minutes inside and not a sound.
We started thinking we had a winner found.
Thirty Minutes and not a twitch,
“I think he’s gonna win … The S.O.B”
As the clock, the 45 minute mark struck,
and people started talking of BLANK’s pluck…
A loud and urgent knock from inside was heard.
BLANK’s friends groaned, the others leered.
The door was opened by the sponsor’s scout
To find out what all the fuss was about.
His surprise you can imagine, I have no doubt!
as ol’ Stinky, (with its paw on its nose) ran out!
The Trouble with Cities
The honorary Big Chief Eagle
went to a conference in a hotel
His sidekick Chinook he took,
Along to serve and cook,
And regularly fetch water as he was unwell.
Thrice Chinook brought water for Chief Eagle
but the 4th time on his knees he fell
and said “Oh my Lord and Master
I can’t fetch water any faster…
You see, White Man sitting on well.
It’s four in the afternoon, you’re in your car
Right in the middle of the crowded bazaar
You have to fight to move, battle for every inch
Hopelessness and despair seem to be a cinch…
The moron behind you with the noisy air horn
can make you wish you’d never been born!
Yet if you’d let your mind wander just a wee bit
given free reign to the right half (can we call it half wit?)
It could have turned your car to a plane or a boat,
and made you smile trying to keep the damn thing afloat!
and once a smile breaks through the gloom
gray clouds are swept away by a magical broom!
You think the ones who talk of beautiful lives
have used other roads, avenues, bylanes or drives?
The roads are the same… every pothole… every bit of gravel
Just a matter of perception … which road you travel!
That bit of humor in the middle of the hubbub
can make you a member of the `Life is Beautiful’ club!
“If the skirts got any shorter”
said the typist with a blush…
“There’d be two more lips to powder
and lots more hair to brush… !”
(Donnowho)
~~~~~~~~~~~
The ram committed suicide
Because he was sad and blue.
He heard a singer sing that song
There’ll never be another ewe.
(Michael Franklin Ellis)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A stamp collector named Phil
From licking strange stamps fell quite ill
If fact, he died rather fatally
Which is why there has been no philately.
(John S. Crosbie)
little miss muffet
sat on a tuffet,
eating a juicy, fat melon.
Along came a spider
and sat down beside her -
she killed it with spider repellent.
Mary had a little lamb -
she also had a duck.
I bet you thought this rhyme was rude!
It’s not - you’re out of luck.
Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top,
when the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
I was that baby, and what bothers me
is why Mam and Dad stuck me up a tree!
Mary had a little lamb -
the doctor was surprised.
When Old Macdonald had a farm,
the doctor nearly died!
Hickory dickory dock,
the reindeer ran up the clock.
The clock collapsed.
Goosey Goosey Gander,
where shall I wander?
Upstairs, downstairs,
in the torture chamber.
Once I met a naughty lad
who tried to raid the fridge.
I gave him concrete overshoes
and threw him off a bridge.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
’twas split right up the front
…But she didn’t wear that one often
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept up beside her
’twas Little Boy Blue with a horn.
Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
“What have u got there?”
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cos he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Little boy blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his front teeth are missing
Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill’s fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
cos Jill’s a ****** tranny.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own
Mary had a little lamb
It’s fleece was white and whispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy
Mary ‘ad a little pig
She couldn’t stop it gruntin’
She took it down the garden path
And kicked its f**king c**t in!!!!!
My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only 4 ft 4.
Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain’t you got no sense at all?
Can’t you see the walls been plastered?
Now you’re stuck you silly bastard
Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead…
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a
Waterfront condo and a sports car.
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall…
There’ll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As he came, she started to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been shagging her sheep
Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore,
Humpty Dumpty fucked her some more,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Bent the bitch over and fucked her again.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard
***YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!***
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
A lightbulb was stuck up her ***
It woke up the spider who lived deep inside her
He said “hey, free electric and gas!”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And Jack would try to hump her
Jill said “no”, Jack said “so, I’ll ram it in your
dumper!”
Twinkle Twinkle little star
Will she blow me in the car
Because I bought her dinner, she had fun
Now my balls are boiling and I’d like to ***
Old mother hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her old dog a snack
The cupboard was bare
She didn’t despair
She let Rover munch on her crack
Peter Peter pumkin eater
Whacked off in the movie theater
Sprayed his load across the screen
And ruined Titanic’s final scene
Hickory Dickory Dock
My balls fell out of my jock
I laid them to rest
On some hooker’s chest
And paddled her face with my ****
Betty and Jack, up a tree
F-U-C-K-I-N-G
First cums Betty, then cums Jack
Then cums the goo out of Betty’s crack
Little Boy Blue
He needed the money
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Jerked off in his girl friends eye
When her eye was dry and shut
Georgie Fucked that one-eyed ****
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
A merry old soul was he
He chewed off his tit, ate his own ****
Washed it down with some tea
Roll, roll, roll your ****
Gently down my prick
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Then you’ll suck *******
Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my ****
The clock struck two, I dropped my goo
I dumped the ***** on the next block.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
That fuckin’ Huar.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
Trim that ***** it’s so damn hairy
Littly Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider,
Sat down beside her, And said, “Hey, what’s in the bowl, *****?”
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her dog a bone
She bent over,
Rover took over
And she got a bone of her own
Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So Jack ignored those flabby ****
And licked her asshole clean
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top
Your mother’s a whore
I ain’t your pop
Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep
Blew a horse, licked his feet
She ate his *** so very nice
Tongued his balls not once but twice
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife, loved to beat her
Smacked her twice across the head
Fucked her *** and went to bed
Little jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating a pizza pie
He **** pepperoni, blew his friend Tony
And wiped his mouth on his tie
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Shine upn the parking lot
As I eat my girl friends twat
Three blind mice, see how they run
Where the **** are they going?
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe
Suck ******* and swallow slow
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fuckin’ dick
GWEEBUCKADEE!!!
There was an old lady
Lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out
Patty cake, patty cake
Baker’s man
If your chick’s on her period
**** her in the can
Mary had a little lamb
She kept in her backyard
When she took her panties off
His wooley dick got hard
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
That’s more than my lazy wife does
That fat, fuckin’ smelly babboon
Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray,
The guy that fucked her ***
Rub a Dub Dub
Three men in a tub
Faggots have threesomes, too
So fuckin’ what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I fucked your mother’s ***
And she had you
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son
Look up my bumhole, what do you see?
I see a Rabbit just staring at me!
Tempt it with carrots to make it come down.
It’s covered in shite all slimy and brown.
It stinks to high heaven, I’m off to be sick.
Oh no, a Rat’s just crawled up my ****!
Hickory Dickory Clock
Some chick was sucking my c@Ck
The clock struck two
I blew my goo
Dropped the b!tch off at the next block